Does it make me the bad Chinese daughter?

I want to be able to blog about how normal my life is and how happy I am. But, with parents like mine, it seems like an unattainable dream.

I watched an independent film called, "The Things We Carry," which is about two biracial Korean American sisters who dealt with their drug-addicted mother in different ways. The older sister took off and the younger sister stayed. And because the younger sister made a "choice" to stay and help, she suffered. In her early 20's, she was already getting persistent ulcers because of the crap she was dealing with at home.

I am not mad at my sister for moving back to NYC because she has done a lot financially for this family and she contributes emotionally what she can. However, I wonder if I am to blame for my own misery? Because, I, the good Asian daughter decided to stay and help. So here I am, a 25-year old woman with persistent ulcers, anxiety issues, and sadly, with a soul of a worn down 80-year old woman (nothing wrong with being 80, just probably exhausted from life).

I want to be able to blog about how life is great and that I look forward to working after grad school. I am more anxious and scared than anything else. I am afraid that I won't be able to financially care for my near-bankrupt parents who adamantly believe that their good Chinese daughter has to take care of them for their rest of their lives.

Do I really owe it to them for raising me? Most Chinese American parents genuinely believe that their children need to take care of them because they raised their children. At what point does it become abuse? At what point is it taking advantage of their children? Never...?? I don't think I'll ever be able to answer these questions. Because my sister, the other good Chinese daughter, will always give money to cover their needs. However, she isn't the one that pours her heart, soul, energy, commitment, brainpower, time, weekends, days off from work/school... to fix all the family problems and to pick up after all the crazy mess (lawsuits, the family business, gambling binges, mental health problems, documents, applications, job searches, managing finances, etc.)

Since my parents have be gone, I have been so happy and so relieved. I thought, finally, I can be at peace. Still, there's an uneasiness knowing that they're going to return and my misery and pain will resurface. Is it sad that I feel this way? Do these feelings make me the bad Chinese daughter?

I read other people's narratives about how their grandparents were such great influences on their parents and how the whole family struggled and now they look up to their grandparents and parents. I do admire my parents for all they have endured. But, I cannot say the same for my grandparents. I am forced to understand that my mom treats me a certain way because my grandmother treated her a certain way. Though my sister doesn't believe it is abuse, to me it is.

I can't believe I am making this blog public, but I guess it's my way of crying for some help.. or for affirmations that what I do for my parents is the right thing to do.

The Adventures of Burger and Me

Burger sure is adventurous.

On Saturday, Burger and I met a dog named ... MENUDO! haha Too cute! I'm going to keep a log of cute/funny dog names. So far it has been Pooper and Menudo!